i'm thinking my first film is going to be about a gang of buttfucking werewolf-nazis that roam the countryside of some non-descript eastern european country, terrorizing the villagers until a valiant group of buxom witches (once ostracized by the townspeople on account of their craft) comes along to save the day. maybe have it all culminate in the largest, raunchiest werewolf-nazi/witch orgy the world has ever seen.
having rejected aspirations for a humdrum suit-and-tie future some time ago, the wackiest possible career paths cross my mind as i ponder the trail ahead of me. after a conversation with dylan recently, it's become rather clear what my calling will be, my legacy to planet earth for centuries to come. horror porn.
makes sense really. i was raised on horror movies that scared me shitless and probably scarred my psyche significuntly. freddie krueger, jason, critters, leprechauns, candyman, aliens; these were my ernie and bert. lots of horrific, vivid nightmares (in technicolor) involving clowns and tarantulas and faulty carnival rides, among other things.
and besides, producing/shooting porn is definitely on my things to do before i go list. has been for years now. right up there with starting a police chase in la.
and it's not like there's not an audience for this niche. all these precious kids who think they're vampires or the devil or fucking charles manson, with the make up and the platform boots with lots of straps and buckles? they gotta beat off too ya know. and a flick with some hairless juicer jock and his bottle blonde, silicon infused, cokehead fucktoy doesn't really get them going i'm sure.
now while, like frank zappa, i can admit that i'm pursuing this alternative art form (yes, art form!) solely for money, i might concede that there's some personal fulfillment in this as well.
this genre is super visceral my friends. the guttural feeling you get while watching one of these is unforgettable. the one tape i've happened upon i don't recall the name of, but the center of the action was a decapitated body getting head from this gorgeous vampire in a barn (presumably a barn in transylvania), with blood squirting out of a sole artery like a water fountain with a faulty valve. in sync with his undying heart.
nevermind that an erection would be impossible with such profuse bleeding. but if you're thinking about that at all, you're not a customer.
so if you're out there looking for a start in the biz, but the san fernando valley makes your skin crawl, touch base with the anthropophagous beast. let's start an empire. maybe have you blow a zombie while he puts cigarettes out on your face or eats your brain or something. maybe play some industrial music in the background, dim the lights, spark some candles, throw down a pentagram or two. maybe shoot with a super 8 for that snuff film feel? let's do it. i'll make you a star.
for the curious kids all conked out on the communist's coca cache:
(deep voiced movie dude)
"A deserted beach. A bloodcurdling scream. A decapitated head. So ends another tourist's holiday. So begins the Anthropophagous Beast as it gallops through shock after bloody shock. Probably one of the most frightening films you will ever see. It will leave you wondering if deep inside us all, there may lurk the cannibal. Watch it. If you dare!"
(nefarious, fading laughter).
i love shit c-movies. especially ones involving cannibals. cannibals and otherwise harmless animals that become terrors in droves (see "Slugs" and "Ants").
any idiot can make/take part in an oscar winner or a cannes selection. but it takes a truly delusional, transcendent wunderslut to pitch, write, produce, direct or star in one of these gems. who else but the most special among us would attach themselves to such projects. i'm hunting down a copy as we speak.
