because it's there, and i wanted to let you know it's there. and because i haven't been 100% irreverent in a while. there is no redeeming value to this. just go with the flow.
just thought i'd whet the appetites of those curious to know what mario, princess peach , and luigi are up to right now.
fucking nypd.
thank you shigeru miyamoto. you pioneer, you fixer of all things broken, you kyoto killer. though you created so many technological wonders worthy of our praise, i'm here for the mario bros brah.
they truly were super. and it totally kicked ass having princess peach on my jock every time i saved the day. but toadstool was a total fucken hater. punk ass bitch. at least luigi handled being a bench rider with some class. whose name is on the fucking box anyway, bitch?! mario! that's what i thought motherfucker! now go get me a fucking sandwich! and some juice! you mushroom headed fairy!
The system was the Sega Genesis video game console. The game, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. The year was 1990, the beginning of the end.
the greatest bit of cross media marketing since the saturday night fever soundtrack.
the plot was as follows, courtesy of Wikipedia:
Mr. Big, an insidious drug dealer (which drug we can't be sure, but since it's 1990, let's assume crack), has kidnapped children for no apparent reason. Michael, in an effort to save(?) the children, goes after Mr. Big, and eventually discovers his plot to take over the world using a large laser cannon built on the Moon.
Each level begins with a small comic book-style presentation of the ongoing conflict between Mr. Big and Michael, intending to show a transition from one level's setting to the next. Sadly, however, these cut-scenes do not reveal any additional plot details.
At the conclusion of the game, more of the story is revealed:
"Mr. Big's evil plot has been foiled with the destruction of his deadly doomsday weapon - the gigantic laser cannon. And with his massive fortress reduced to cinders, he is no longer a threat to mankind.
"But what of Michael?
"All that is known is that he was last seen soaring away from the crumbling enemy stronghold, heading toward the distant horizon.
"And the children that he saved?
"Well...
"They're smiling, because deep down in their hearts, they know that Michael will return one day to share with them another wondrous and magical adventure."
The foreshadowing here is uncanny. "another wondrous and magical adventure?" if by this the game's producers meant a number of protracted and highly visible court appearances defending himself against boy-touching charges, then we gotta give em props. they were truly Seers!
"Genesis Does! You-Can't-Do-This-With-Nintendon't!" If you remember the song from the Genesis pre-release commercial, congratulations, you're just as big of a nerd as i am.
i wrote a letter to Sega when i was ten, offering them a product idea that would revolutionize gaming: putting the game cartridges directly into the controller, so you didn't have to get up to change games.
they sent a courteous form letter back, thanking me for my input, letting me down easy, and giving me a free subscription to some video game magazine. i'm pretty tempted to write another letter demanding a remake of this 1990 gem. not sure how well it would work out in '07, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
