welllll... i like sunsets, long walks on the beach, and shooting coke into my penis. makes me feel alive, ya know!?!

i'm growing quite lazy. but i feel like you ought to get to know me better before you use your mouth on me. it would make me feel better. i've been on pins and needles as of late. surely you can understand. i mean, the other day, i went to blow a line, and all i had was a mirror, and i hate using mirrors, for obvious reasons, but i went ahead and used it anyway.

so i came up, bill still in my nose, and there he was. grinning like a fiend, fucking staring up and out at me. only his eyes were gone. just pink coves where they should've been. completely missing. nothing to house his soul.

he's fucking trouble.

i mean it!

real trouble.

i want you to stay away from him ya hear?!

can't seem to shake him loose though. damn this photographic memoreee 'o mine!

sooo... for the sake of familiarity, here are some of my interests and favorite activities, as dictated by a certain social networking site i plan on removing myself from in the near future:

rickenbacker basses,
decapitation,
marcy homes,
quantum physics,
100 years,
thrift shops,
the electoral college,
sweaty wet/dirty damp,
dying before i'm 35 in a blaze of glory and gunfire,
burning myself with cigarettes for drug money,
the DEA,
formula one,
life sentences,
starting and purposely losing fights,
ketamine and other tranquilizers,
string theory,
LPs,
making people feel bad,
illmatic,
japanese cell phones,
bunson burners,
atom heart mother,
krav maga,
near death experiences,
used fender jaguars,
zaireeka,
the presets,
crashing '80s proms,
knife hand chops,
babies with 90 dollar shoes,
light years,
used bookstores,
climate change,
freaking out the squares,
teenagers,
clairvoyence,
alchemy,
mercantilism,
structural collapse,
shitheads,
john bonham,
fucking hairy asian pussy,
twilight zones,
making people look dumb,
lawsuits,
destroying social constructs,
four horsemen of 2012,
killing animals to make jackets out of,
snuff films,
phone booths,
jerking off,
vandalism,
lara flynn boyle,
my fucked up ipod,
pbs and npr,
easy rider,
all dinosaurs,
hollistic medicine,
reebok pumps,
closed hi-hats,
hokusai,
geothermal energy,
contradicting myself,
lasers,
teflon,
gulf coast recovery,
interpol's new album,
missing treble knobs,
capsized ships,
guy fawkes masks,
nigerian black paper scams,
one armed push-ups,
handgun hunting,
DARPA,
real club kids,
air traffic control,
new-rave,
go-karts,
the french touch scene,
dream teams,
chucks,
magic carpets,
jade jagger,
the rapture (both the band and the reckoning)
miles davis,
reckless driving,
dj battles,
videotaping sex without prior consent/permission,
The American Century,
eradicating dirty hippies,
Ableton Live 5,
glass jaws,
embezzlement,
diamond smuggling,
party monster,
the 1968 democratic convention,
atlantis to interzone,
chord charts,
digitalism,
jackie brown,
james brown,
caravaggio's murder charge,
sarkozy,
capitol hill,
christian hosoi,
drift racing,
abbie hoffman,
alienating people,
turbo lag,
the rolling stones,
bald chicks,
photoshop,
beat poets,
zeus,
boozing,
movies featuring talking animals,
anthropomorphism in general,
somnambulatory sexploits,
boy-cut panties,
motogp,
lifetime supplies,
nanotechnology,
delta blues,
dogfighting,
birds,
falsetto,
superman,
fingerfucking,
pinky up, pinky down,
any gibson sg,
the distant, distant future,
manipulating people,
circuit bending,
vulcanology,
no-film photography,
ducatis,
synchronicity,
pitch-bending,
biocomputers,
immortality,
small press publishers,
endangered species poaching/trading,
Guns & Ammo,
pretending i can skate,
the tornados,
actual tornados,
the x-men cartoon on fox,
interesting films made by boring people,
misanthropy,
dorm rooms,
ultra-marathons,
nike montreals,
novelty car horns,
the desert,
small breasts (A-cup aficionado),
"shit jokes but not shit stories,"
pre-oil embargo automobiles,
MicroKorg,
wamp wamp,
the hidden tree of life,
apple,
moon bounce rental,
Baltimore free book thing,
bars i can't get kicked out of,
skipping work,
bashing nerds,
calling 911, just to chat,
arpeggiators and vocoders,
people who fuck prostitutes,
the truth,
keef's tolerance,
aphrodisiacs,
the past,
tiny dogs,
hazing,
spell-check,
poorly maintained machine guns,
beat repeat and eq three,
illegal prescriptions,
jack nicholson,
warrantless misogyny,
your mother,
threatening people,
inconvenient truths,
hyperviolence,
epistemology,
nanofiction,
maritime cannibalism,
existentialism,
harp arpeggios,
hatemail and death threats,
sea changes,
norfolk, virginia,
haldol,
materialism...

now fuck off. get outta here! i'll finish on my own.

Christ Punchers, LLC

Recently I posted on Craig's List, in regards to looking for new people to "jam" with, as the people who had previously fulfilled this role had fallen by the wayside. the song went a little something like this.

"looking for a new creative outlet. i've been playing bass for a year now, and i'm just looking for fun-loving, chill people who don't suck to play along with. not exactly looking to form/join a band, but I wouldn't oppose those things either, to be perfectly honest.


influences and activities include: London City, existentialism, blaxploitation, raging out, the Rolling Stones, 1968, writing fiction, funk, fighting, Hunter S. Thompson, volcanoes, bourbon, reading (unlike most Americans), Sun Ra, H.L. Mencken, getting thrown out of places, The Opium Wars, Lennon, Lenin, Sid Vicious, Burning Spear, painting, porn, Radiohead, bars, bashing people's musical tastes (a staggering number of people just listen to shit and don't seem to have a problem with it), the Marlboro Man, filmmaking, shock and awe, Air, experimentation, Godzilla, etc., etc."

Not two sunrises after posting this casual missive, i received a response from a single, lonely man out in cyberspace. let's call him mark ayers. his response read as follows:

"You want fun loving, chill people who don’t suck to play with but your influences and activities (blaxploitation, bashing other’s music, shock and awe, the Marlboro Man, etc; what the hell?) make you sound like a nut. Try this again when your 31 and have had time to mature." - note the improper usage of "your." haha, just sayin.

Before heading to my doctor's appointment in Towson (a small suburb of Baltimore), I decided to check my email, only to find this. it certainly brightened my day. I mean, unbeknownst to mr. ayers, i've been called worse things than "nut." and as far as waiting ten years, when i've "had time to mature," truthfully, though my license says 21, i think, act, and feel much more like 67, like some kind of hellbent, sex-addicted bukowski-esque miser on the skids. thus, it's not worth the energy to ball up a fuck you and hurl it in mark ayers' direction. no siree bobbit. i've got a week of binging ahead of me and a new year's bombing run to plan, and quite frankly, his response affirms what I and a lot of those lonely souls closest to me are already sure of: 98% of the American population are fucking nerds. Vive le cirque!