i bought you a hamburger, now give me a handjob!

remember when cats used to say doink!!! instead of "cool" or "hot?" better yet, remember doink the clown? dink the clown? american heroes for sure.

anyway.

suppose for a moment that you're at work, or at school, or sharkin at the boozer, and some fly as fuck feminina crosses your line of fire.

thousands of years of instinct lead to rapid vasocongestion, and before you know it, you're sporting wood and you just wanna poke on something. preferably the bird with the mojito.

now imagine that in an instant, a nanosecond let's say, you're teleported, transfigured to one of those wack, urban legend frat dawg scenarios where the big dawgs make the puppies sit semi-naked in front of a gay porn and whoever gets a boner is more or less doomed. hey wait?! that's you. violence and ridicule ensue.

or...

imagine today's the day you opt for the flashy open toe slingbacks instead of your trusty old flats, and in a rush to get to somewhere of relative import, you stub your toe on the leg of your stylish IKEA futon.

but just as you're about to drop the obligatory f-bomb, you're transposed to a different key: some kid's bar mitzvah. one of those high-end mitzvahs i mean, not some middle class shitshow. real high brow. and maybe your hair's all messed up on account of the time-space travel turbelence, so you really look like a methadone clinic is your home away from home. all eyes on you love.

now don't you giggle, because vast and unseen though it may be, the spatio-temporal plane is a fragile missus, a 90-lb waif in a room full of NFL players hopped up on viagra and amphetamines. ever seen donnie darko? it could happen to you!

it DID happen to my boy pookie. got his refund check well early, like two weeks ahead of schedule. bought his girlie a cubic zirconia over east. big willie style!

keep your eyes on the prize and stay sharp!