It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World: Part 1

plastic bags are so fucken 2005.

earlier this week, gourmet food-seller Whole Foods, not willing to stand idly by while other corporations corrode the very fiber of humanity, dished out designer canvas bags like the one pictured above.

designed by Anya Hindmarch, the $15 bags quite literally caused hysteria as eager Yentas lined up by the bowlful to get their hands on the canvas sacks. the Union Square shoppe in NYC saw a line of 500, eager to score.

jesus.

and what's worse is that a similar promotion caused a stampede in Taiwan in June. 30 people were hospitalized.

it is in light of all this foolishness that I am left with no choice but to issue an edict, which I will submit via e-mail to various heads of government throughout the (civilized?) world.

it reads as follows:

"And let it be known that from this day forward, the 20th of July, 2007 anno domini, all those participating in hyper-consumerist hysteria shall be 'Transmitted' to an as yet undisclosed location for 'Re-Education.'

"Preferably, this institution will be situated in a locale where annoyances such as UN charters and human rights conventions do not apply. The length of a 'visitor's' stay will be determined at the sole discretion of the 'Patriach,' yet regardless of his decision, that stay may be no less than 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days.

"Serious offenders (i.e. Bush voters/NASCAR fans/Hummer H2 owners; those that camp out for weeks waiting for IPhones/PlayStation 3/Episode 1: Phantom Menace tickets; those that miss their only son's graduation to attend a Harry Potter midnight release; et al.) shall be, upon admission to the general 'Re-Education Facility,' immediately transported to the subterranean 'Dungeonarium.'

"After no less than 180 days of sensory deprivation, techno-sodomy, and Abu Ghraib-esque humiliation, 'Visitors' will be transferred, regardless of their degree of 'Re-Education,' rehabilitation, or 'progress,' to the off-site 'Reconstitution Area.'

"It is here that the withering bodies of these most heinous offenders will be pulverized and ground into either a nutrient paste (to be used as feed for livestock and as food for the destitute global majority) or a viscous gel to be used as a lubricant for our numerous machines.

"It shall be the duty of the global citizenry to report and/or physically detain any and all violators of this Edict, lest the natural progress of the species be stunted by the idiocy of the spendthrift yuppie hordes."

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, Doing Everything a Spider Can,
Kasai

Will It Blend!?!?

found out about this on NPR this morning. any volunteers?

dust in the wind.

awesome!

why don't they let me go home? this is the worst trip i've ever been on.

i've said it thrice and i'll say it again.

i've never robbed a motherfucker in my life (came close to jacking this kid on the way back from a party years ago, but we bitched out), but the first cat i see downtown with an iPhone is gettin the hands.

the fucken hands! you fucken get me?!?! Steve Jobs could get it too!

whoever the sorry bastid might be, i'll smack 'im in the head wit a rolled up Baltimore Sun or something 'til he relinquishes his grip on the gadget, see?

or maybe i'll chloroform the geezer. yeah.

i haven't made up my mind yet. all i know is that i'm doing it. we'll get to the "how" when the time comes.

my motive?

i admit to being a bit of gadget nut, okay, fine. what red-blooded, shallow, materialistic American male could claim otherwise? techno-obsession is in my blood, you see?

but that's not what Operation Trick Or Treat is about.

oh no.

because after i secure the merchandise, the "IT" item of the summer/2007, it's back home for me, sulking about the crowded city blocks, trying to conceal the circuit laden, touchscreen gold bar in my pocket.

gonna flip that shit on ebay for like 3 grand. maybe 4. 'cuz you just know there's gonna be a shortage and shit.

i missed the boat when PlayStation 3 dropped. there was some serious scamming/price gouging to be done back then, and i just didn't man up and "get" one.

not this time friend.

can't knock da hustle!