Showing posts with label america. Show all posts
Showing posts with label america. Show all posts

2009-01-07

There's Always Room On His Broom.



Hmmm... Sit on my lap. Grind on that shit. 2am and rising. Niggas in trouble.

Today, I ate a Baconator value meal, large (three times as gnarly as it sounds)... drank about eight or nine sodas at work (they're free)... smoked half a pack of reds and now I'm drinking skunky, warm beer, trying to pass out. Listening to "Plaster Casts of Everything" on repeat, full volume, won't help with that though, will it? Sleepe wenn ime ded ya herd?! All this and I still look better naked, staring wistfully into a full-length mirror with a raging hard-on, than you do. Munhfuckas can't see me. Big Up the Macey Massive!

I am THE portrait of American Virility!

2007-04-17

God Bless America!



said the army recruiter, via email, (sgt. marcia ramode) to a gay black man trying to join up:
"Go back to Africa and do your gay voodoo limbo tango and wango dance and jump around and prance and run all over the place half naked there."

haha. it wasn't bad enough that recruiters, falling far short of their quotas on account of a FUBAR war, were caught soliciting sex from potential recruits, among other violations? then they had to come with this noise? i love the Arnold Schwarzeneggar-esque "there" at the end. nice touch ramode.

i hadn't had extensive experience with the gay community until my year and a half stint at IKEA's corporate office, with about 90% (not an exaggeration) of the 300 or so employees there being either female or gay males. while some of these cats were certainly flamboyant or eccentric (think miss jay on top model flamboyant. yeah i watch top model, what?), i certainly didn't witness any voodoo, not even from the carribean cats that worked there. though there was some limbo and tango dancing at the winter party.

but in this sargeant's pleasant missive we see a few things of note. most striking of all, we see the kind of hatred that starts well early, maybe with an uncle that can't keep his hands to himself and also happens to be gay. maybe with a drunken, be-slippered (word?) mother who spent every waking moment of her life either boozing or falling down or cursing the faggots or the niggers or some other large group of people who've done nothing to her. the kind of fury that begins in the youth, under the tutelage of some fuck up adult, and never really dies away. these fucks are everywhere. i hear that was adolf hitler's trip. yeah.

additionally, amidst the talk of don imus (which will be more or less hushed thanks to the VT nightmare), america is all of a sudden reexamining its stance on racism and hate speech and blah blah blah. nike even took out a full page ad in the nyt: "thank you, ignorance. thank you for starting the conversation." with that monolithic swoosh above the bold print.

what? wtf?

i love a fresh pair of nikes like any other red blooded american male, but fuck! starting the conversation? so after a pretty terrible human rights record over the span of four or five centuries, we're just starting the conversation? christ.

i love when this kind of thing goes down though. everyone all of a sudden going all hypersensitive to the feelings/sensibilities of all human beings (except the rappers of course, they don't give a fuck about a ho), really concerned with the plight of the country's underclass or whatever. people acting like racism went extinct, then reemerged in small pockets like a persistent virus; an event truly warranting ceaseless press coverage.

then three weeks pass, customary media fatigue, and back to our daily routines. gotta get paid, gotta get laid, gotta get made. "racism doesn't exist anymore. this is america."

major social changes take generations, so if we're just "starting the conversation," the prejudice and biases that typify our _____-ist (fill in the blank children) culture will be fleeting memories in about four or five centuries. cheers.

2007-04-12

The Real Team America



I'm starting to notice a lot of nostalgia amongst those in my generation, which could be attributed to a number of factors (i.e. getting up in our years: 1997 was a decade ago?!) supreme among which is the fact that the '00s are turning out to be REALLY fucked up and we're only 7 years deep.

there is perhaps no greater icon for the oeuvre of the '80s baby than American Gladiators. there's a reason the boys at ESPN Classic decided to rejuvenate this television classic, a showpiece for the culmination of the American Century. yes, a physical embodiment of our accomplishments, our machismo, our braveness in the face of a world becoming progressively worse.

for those of you hopelessly in the dark (maybe your parents didn't allow you to watch tv out of some sadistic quest to keep you pure? maybe you were a political prisoner at the time? maybe you're blind and television was not a primary form of entertainment growing up?), American Gladiators was a syndicated programme that pitted four meatheads (two male, two female) against a rogue's gallery of bigger, stronger, faster meatheads with creative nicknames in a series of elaborate and highly orchestrated physical contests. basically a really intense, televised obstacle course, at the end of which the true beast emerged with the cash (about 20k USD), the car, and the cunt (or the cock in the case of the women's champion). youtube it. you won't regret it.

so many days worn away, some trying to recreate the breathtakingly dangerous feats of athleticism performed onscreen, but most spent sitting in front of the Zenith with a box of teddy grams [sic] in one hand and a big gulp sized sports bottle with the accordion straw in the other, eagerly awaiting the eliminator so i could watch Laser fuck cats up. Laser was my favorite. yeah. Who was your favorite i wonder? And what was your favorite event? There's only one correct answer.

some AG trivia, courtesy of wikipedia.org

- During season three, two contenders had accidents while finishing the Eliminator. One fell off the zipline shortly after taking to it, but emerged uninjured. In the first episode of the second half, female contender Angela Shepard landed wrong off the zipline and severely injured her ankle, rendering her unable to finish the course (although she got to return during a special police themed episode of AG a few years later).

- Season four was probably one of the most injury-plagued seasons in AG history. While the Gladiators were fairly injury-free (save for Elektra's broken nose in the Grand Championship), more than a few contenders were put out due to injury, including at least three winners who were unable to advance any further in the tournament due to their injury.

- Quite possibly the most dramatic finish in AG history came during the men's Eliminator in season three's Grand Championship. Runner up Joe Mauro held a four second lead over champion Mark Ortega and held it all the way down to the first wall, while Ortega pecked away at it. Mauro struggled with the first wall and gave up on his first attempt to scale it. Just as Mauro came back down, Ortega came off the zipline and caught up with him. They were nearly even scaling the second wall, and Mauro held a slight lead going down the straightaway to the hurdle. Ortega flew over the hurdle just as Mauro cleared it, and both landed at the finish line at approximately the same time, causing the officials to review the finish. It was determined that Ortega's hand crossed the finish line a split second before Mauro broke the tape at the line, and he was crowned Grand Champion.

- In the final alumni show, dubbed the "Battle of the Best", a famous moment took place when season six Grand Champion Kyler Storm performed a somersault leap over Turbo in Breakthrough to score (he had wanted to perform the move during his season, but he was told not to, so he kept his mouth shut this time around). The two would clash again in Swingshot, when Turbo caught Kyler in mid-air and got into a fistfight after Kyler had faked two earlier leaps from his platform, a violation of the rules. Both would be disqualified for their actions, although Kyler did receive some of the points he lost by his fake jumps.

2007-04-03

So I Says To Him, So I Says, You Lick The Barrel of This Gun Like You Lick Your Man's Dick. Then, Maybe I'll Let You Live to See the Sun Come Up.


yeah so if you haven't been paying attention, there's this sort of postmodern arms race going on. only we're not dealing in plutonium or warheads or propaganda this time around. nope. we're trying to pierce the heavens. and admittedly, amurrrica is getting its ass handed to it, so maybe "we" is inappropriate language (but the "freedom tower" 9/11 memorial seems to be our entry into the field of 43; seems we didn't learn our lesson from that day). Taipei 101, in Taiwan, stands as the world's tallest building, and at just over 1,600 feet, dwarfs our bitch ass sears tower and empire state building by several yao mings.

perhaps the most striking thing about said race is that the current victors are all of asian descent. shanghai, kuala lumpur, hong kong. there's something happenin here, and what ain't exactly clear.

well, actually it's pretty clear. the proliferation of these mammoth phalluses penetrating the virgin clouds over asian skies is easily explained. allow me to get a bit ridiculous here. east asians, like all humans, are victims of their physical appearances. given an average male height somewhere in the 5'6" or 5'7" region, it's no coincidence that the world's tallest buildings are mostly in asia. compensating. kinda like the way the needle-dicked amurrrican male drives an overlarge SUV with a 6" lift and 35" tires, or collects guns by the bowlful (think gun rack on the baby's crib). and speaking of needle dicks, therein lies my next exhibit. we all know that asian guys aren't the most impressively hung motherfuckers on earth (asian friends of mine, male and female, admit this, so it's not stereotyping fuckhead). so therefore, as with OUR guns and tonka trucks, the east asian male materialist is forced by nature to devastate the skyline with a gargantuan skyscraper, proving to the world that he's really worth a damn.

sure, i know what you're saying. engineering advancements, cutting edge, asia's the new frontier. blah, blah, blah. biology people. psychology. more primordial things at work. all men wish to be gods. it's in our blood.

2006-12-21

teenage wasteland

Hunter S. Thompson's post-American century hasn't given us much to be proud of, has it? Dwindling biodiversity, more ethnic cleansing, crippling paranoia and a war that has us at odds with everything, a loss of the sense of self. A staggering budget deficit that ten years ago was but a dense zero written in permanent marker on stark drawing paper. the death of the sitcom-an american television staple for half a century. the former United States only barely saving itself from the throes of the ills of a Neo-Con (i can't really bring myself to call Bush and the boys Republicans) hegemony, but only by electing marginally better Democrats.

In light of all this, I have but one question: Where's our ethos? Or should i say where is the new and improved version of our old ethos, idealized and ambitious though it may have been? With the shitstorm that is the middle east, we're seeing (whether we'd like to or not) exactly where we stand in a post-rational age. Arabs vs. Jews, Sunnis vs. Shiites. Brothers and sisters, I say. There's a less than one percent of genetic variation among the DNA of all 7 billion of us, so what's the fucking problem? Too big a question, I know.

Those on their way out, the greatest generation, our fastest growing population segment, say things weren't so bad when they were young. In the good old days, people weren't as violent or as sadistic and all was in equilibrium. But I assume that this is just a way for each generation to reconcile its past, to make all they've done, either personally or by proxy, viable. Because without much consideration, strange fruit comes to mind, a world at war maybe (and the Holocaust that defined it), four little girls, internment of the Japanese in the west, Jim Crow, the cold war and our nebbish fear of Communism (a threadbare system that posed so little actual threat to our way of life it's ridiculous) that ruined thousands of our most brilliant lives.

No one wants to have died in vain, and no one wants to have lived as such either. So why acknowledge the horror? There's no fun in that, and we're all about fun. Always have been.

Promises of milk and honey in the land of opportunity are all but dead. Stop risking your lives to get here; the show has left town, indefinitely. The Horatio Alger myth is just that. Poor children are more likely to become wealthy adults in Germany, Finland, France or Sweden than in America, and our middle class is fading fast, with the working poor sliding in to replace a dying American establishment. A particular point read in the past week particularly troubled me. A tale of the death of equality of opportunity in this country.

In the '60s, GM was the largest employer in the nation, and adjusted for inflation, its CEO pulled in about 4 million a year, with workers averaging 45k a year (not to mention cushy benefit/pension packages and strong union presence). Now Wal-Mart is our largest employer and CEO H. Lee Scott pulls in 23 million dollars yearly. And apparently, we're OK with that. And apparently, we're also OK with the fact that Mr. Scott and his VPs don't feel that workers with a mean income of 18,000 a year (poverty line stuff) deserve even the most basic health benefits. Hell, in Maryland, they refused to take part in the Fair Share Health Care Plan, which would have required (had it not been vetoed) the state's four largest employers to pay out health benefits to their employees. Fuck. Even Northrop Grumman agreed, and they're in the business of dealing death. What's going on?

In the business of death, certainly not unique to our time, there must be an allegiance, a valiant force to stand up against the killing factory, the suffering, the loss. A foil to brutish militarism, postmodern western (read: American) inventions like the RED campaign and Live 8 seek to eradicate crippling social and economic problems that are entrenched in the bedrock of entire countries, entire continents. Maybe a few RAZR phones, some GAP ads with Mary J. Blige and Bono, and some Coldplay songs will feed millions, cure even more of the worst disease in human history. Maybe reverse the effects of centuries of Euro-Imperialism and the tribalism that resulted from divide and rule policies implemented by Old World Belgians and Britons and Portuguese and Germans. Perhaps the most troubling thing about this is that we have our best minds on all of it, and no one has an answer--Yet (he writes hopefully).

But maybe none of this will last long enough for it to grate at our dwindling collective awareness/conscience. Among other things (say nuclear tensions, say global deterioration of resources), significant climate change threatens our way of life and indeed, our future. In his controversial (but highly successful) doc "An Inconvenient Truth," Al Gore points out that in the scientific community, there is absolutely no doubt that global warming exists and is indeed accelerating due to human interactions with the environment. Total desertification of the lower 48 in the next century, deadly record temperatures for 2006 worldwide, a global ecosystem in the midst of the next big extinction event. Yet somehow, within the complex channels of the media, there is a 50/50 split as to whether this shit is going down or not. This can be attributed to the persistent dumbness of mainstream media of course, but also to a few lobbyists shilling for Exxon, maybe some fuckheads on Capitol Hill with no proof and loud filibustering diatribes.

Here, in all this, boys and girls, we see our new found gift, our new ethos, borne of our past: The Culture of Fuck. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck off. That can't be true. You are out of your goddamn mind. Fuck Off Hippie, it's about me, my time to shine, no worries. But the preexisting, unaltered ethos is kinda biting us in the ass for all to see. In the '80s, all this shit was cute, but now the stakes are far too high for glamour. Adaptation is a must, lest tomorrow swallow us whole.

On the cynical side of things, we'll be greatly riven by domestic and foreign policy issues, and thanks to the devastating wealth transfer to those with dividends and trust funds and the destabilizing economy that results, the government will lose legitimacy and rule of law will become the butt of our jokes. you know, injustice and inequality on par with latin america, that kind of thing.

On the optimistic side of 41st street, we're looking at an America that can't function as a superpower because the whole world is fucked up, knee deep. A severe and undeniable thing is bound to come, a cultural shift and a demand for More among the world's despairing majority. It is of course, the nature of an empire to end, and were we to pull our heads out of our asses sometime soon, maybe we could end up like Britain, always hearkening back, with a twinkle in our eye, to the days when we were the shit, but still holding on to our say at the roundtable. But regardless, it's gone, they're all gone. Michael Jackson, The Bulls and MJ, Coca Cola, McDonald's (before the whole health kick, like non-biodegradable containers), Ninja Turtles, Desert Storm/Shield, Metallica, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and the all important age of innocence. Whenever that was (I don't see it on the timeline).

I suspect that many feel that they can continue to live out these times (and the cave-dwelling blindness that came with them). I mean sure, there's a shitload in the here and now that requires immediate and direct attention. Things and people to love and laugh with, stuff to learn then forget, then learn again. A consciousness to enrich and enjoy. Capital to build, family to start and grow, grades to get, power to grab.

But, i will say this: without some kind of change, no matter how gradual or seemingly insignificant, the ashes and civil war II and the noxious steam and the misted blood and dense smog and the uv rays and the mass graves and the breakdown of rightness and the suffocating humidity and the hydrocarbons and the undrinkable water won't leave much of a world to look forward to once you're done. Just wish i could warn those future in uteros how fucked up we've made things for them, maybe convince them of considering another option. No one's asking you to believe, the evidence is right outside.