E Pluribus Unum, Or, The Ruler's Back.

"Nahh, see, cuz if they clip Obama, Ima just be on my roof with an AK and a pound of weed, pickin' off white people... It's not like that shit in the '60s. Munhfuckas ain't have guns back then, so they just got to smashin' and burnin' shit. Every nigga in the hood got a strap now!" 

-My Barber, about two weeks ago

You probably want or need something brilliant here, but you've got to forgive me if I come off as uninspired. After what can only be described as the most harrowing year of my life, what lies before me and you lot but the culmination of the 2008 presidential campaign... I can fully admit to playing the cynic, the Grinch Who Stole The Election (or will that be Johnny Mac?) as it were, during this epic(ly boring) journey. But who can blame me... the guy I was adamant about voting for months back ended up being a philandering shithead liar. 

So it goes. 

Over the past year or so, I have seen the very manifestation of white guilt in the form of Obama stickers plastered onto the backs of every Volvo and Volkswagen throughout this great state of mine. I have seen a black community completely unaware of (or unwilling to acknowledge?) the phenomenon of immobilism(e) and its place in modern Western politics. And I have seen "them" all draw a blank on how thoroughly evil the Amerikkkuh Machine can be when it wants what it wants (if the past eight-or 80 years-haven't proven this fact to you, nothing will). Time to find out exactly how masochistic this great nation of ours truly is, yeah?

"And though it seems Heaven-sent, we ain't ready to have a black president..." 

-Pac

We Shall See.

iss like this iss like that iss like this and-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! you fucking shot me man! what the fuck! you fucking shot me dude! fuck!

while downtown during lunch today, out the grimy window of the sub shop, i saw her, and instantly i cursed myself for not having a digital camera/legit camera phone.

no, i didn't see some multi-racial perfect 10 (dime) from the Hustler Club strolling down Saratoga St.

i'm talking politickin' mang!

you see, one of the benefits of living in a moderate to large sized metropolis is that inevitably, you will lay eyes upon some pretty fucked up, often destitute wizards of weird. sure, small towns have their nuts, but the population density just ain't man.

this particular crazy was jaywalking(?) in one of those motorized invalid carriages. like the shits i try to get, pretty much every week. they shouldn't promise a 30 day free trial if it's not really free. people like me really depend on that shit.

but yeah, this woman, possibly in her '70s, disrupting the flow of traffic and not giving a fuck, her carriage literally plastered in huge "Obama '08" campaign stickers. with an array of Amurrrican flags as additional adornment. and of course she was rockin' the crucial Amurrrican flag denim long sleeve. so what if it's fucken 91 degrees with 88% humidity? she loves her some America.

and...

she loves her some Obama. she doesn't give a bitch's tit about whether this country is ready for a Black head of state or not. she wants him in there, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

so roll on you tiny diamond. keep hope alive.

Vote BubbRubb/Lil Sis '08

what? you think i'm fucking kidding? why not turn 2008 into Cali's recall election? i mean, Bush and Co. have fucked up pretty big, but have we really done our (electoral) worst?

i don't think soooooooo. send in the clowns!

since the upcoming presidential election is already proving to be quite unique (read: ridiculous), why not shove that fist all the way up our collective asses? get it in there nice and deep baby. lose your watch in that shit! we wanna feel your elbow bone and shit.

can you imagine what BubbRubb's first "100 days" would be like? he'd make FDR look like a fucken bow-legged, stuttering kid with Down's Syndrome, a cleft pallet, and a tiny dick! so small. soooo smallll. almost microscopic.

yeah, yeah, i know he really had polio. i'm being sensitive. he was great. yeahyeahyeah. fuck off mom/dad.

back to the matter of the day.

President Rubb's first order of business would surely be installing those bama-ass whistles (shown in the video above) in the tailpipes of all federal vehicles. that gangsta shit!

"it's like an alarm clock!"

exactly!

and promptness and expediency are the keys to success in Washington. or at least in BubbRubb's Washington they will be. because when President Rubb says he needs a new crack stem to replace the one he broke while celebrating hitting 4-5-6 in cee-lo, he means he needs a new crack stem YESTERDAY motherfucker! the dice (and the jones) wait for no man, and shit!

i can just see it now. like Puffy sending that motherfucker to get cheesecake. only this time it's the President of the United States (aka Supreme Optimus Prime H.N.I.C. out this bitch) sending him to Southeast, South Southeast D.C. to cop from my boy Pookie.

he does not have it for cheap, so bring some cash asshole. and get me some while you're down there. can you spot me yo? i know, i know. i'll get you back for this and last week on thursday ok? ok? yo? ok? thanks yo. good look.

the second order of business would of course be to outlaw any and all criticism of the aforementioned bama-ass tailpipe whistles. a crime punishable by death. that's right son, BubbRubb don't play! everybody knows that Totalitarian political systems with Draconian punishment structures are like the most gangsterest shit ever!

you may think i'm fucking around, but this shit is real my friend. from the heart. let's keep it real because i'm keeping it real.

the other day, i told an acquaintance that i'd prefer that Obama didn't win the nomination. she looked at me like i was wearing a white hood and holding a noose in one hand and burning a black baby with a blowtorch with the other.

but i'm used to this kind of idiocy, so.

my rationale, of course, is that given the mess made by the Bushmen, whomever is unlucky enough to take the Oval Office on 1.20.09 is shit outta luck.

they will spend their entire term righting the ship, scraping away the refuse, jettisoning the rotting corpses and stillborn foetuses like so much dead weight.

i'd just prefer that our nation's first Black president wasn't mired in such dirty workbusinessstuff.

it doesn't take a visionary to see that should a Black President's administration suffer from relative 'immobilisme' on account of playing itself out of a hole someone else dug, it would be construed as a failure indicative of that leader's capabilities, as defined by his race. thus, for the remainder of this nation's existence, the White House would remain just that. White.

don't play fucking dumb. you know that's how it works.

so yeah. vote BubbRubb/Lil Sis in 2008. if you love America, that is. you do love America, don't you?

god bless Formula Un!

for those who don't know/care, Formula One is the absolute pinnacle of motorsport, a technological showcase featuring ethereal machines piloted by the world's most elite drivers. much like soccer, it's a sporting phenomenon that's wildly popular everywhere but the U.S.

this weekend saw F1 history as McLaren-Mercedes rookie driver Lewis Hamilton, a 22-year old Briton of mixed race, took the vic at the Grand Prix du Canada in Montreal. it was the first time a brown-skinned person had won a Grand Prix event.

Tiger Woods comparisons are being bandied about, which is at least somewhat justified. in six races, Hamilton's finished no worse than 3rd. quite simply, he's dominating.

surely i'm happy for the dude, both inside and outside the context of race. yet in the wake of his win, something did strike a chord with me. listening to BBC World's sports recap, much of the talk was centered around Hamilton's epic win. along with that, a good amount of the conversation also focused on how articulate and personable and well-spoken he was.

hearing all this white laudation of his nicely packaged and easily consumable manner made me kinda wish he looked and sounded a bit more like say, Dizzee Rascal, with the style sense of Ali G thrown in for kicks. see how much cats love him then. shift the paradigm a bit.

because believe it or not, calling me/lewis hamilton/barack obama/etc. articulate or well-spoken is less of a compliment than you think.

if you don't believe me, see Chris Rock's classic stand up "Bring The Pain." like everything else, it's on YouTube.

word.