All You Need Is Love. And Money. And Health Insurance. And In Most Cities, A Vehicle. And An Internet Connection. And Don't Forget Shelter...

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Excuse the repetition. Just had to get that out. What have you done for Him lately?

go with christ brah. go with christ.

this is a rather binary situation we have here, innit?

we have those that i know personally telling me i need "help." then we have those casual yet distant frequenters of the site, upset by my esoteric and drug-addled approach, that tell me i need "help."

i will never tire of the latter. i actually welcome the latter with open arms. the former just makes me want to torture some small animals.

maybe i need to go with christ?

but someone was telling me that he's really clingy. word? i don't know if i need that right now.

maybe if it was a T-9000X TechnoChrist SE, with like lasers for eyes, and a microwave built into his chest. complete with a 120hz refresh rate, 9 gbps internet connection and a 90 terabyte hard drive in his forearm loaded with niche porn. and a gold chain that had like 10 ipod nanos in different colors all up on it. and maybe if his/her halo consisted of E pills. hovering E pills. and as one of his miracles, he'd sneeze, and an eightball of polvo would magically appear. and there's little better on this earth than free, magical polvo, i can assure you.

i'd even take a DinoChrist. as long as it wasn't a malevolent, carnivorous DinoChrist. there's no overpowering that reptilian brain of yours my lord and savior.

they'll say "go with christ brah. go with christ."

yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah YEAH!

but my mommy told me not to go with strangers. and you are STRANGE! i can't go with you. unless you know the password. and surely you know the password, being an omniscient supreme being and all. so we shouldn't have a problem, right? just go ahead and gimme the password and we'll be on our way to salvation.

(TechknowitallChrist parts lips) thaaaaat's it dear.

wait. wait! where are you going? where-?

(T.C. bounces like a superball)

yeah. uh huh. run like a little bitch. run like you always do. just like your father. always runnin when shit gets weird.

"a woman is better because a woman can suck your dick and a donkey can't": Part ONE

in case any of you ever have to testify for/against me, i am an out and out pervert. just giving you a heads up on the inevitable perjury tip.

por ejemplo, i think 'cumshot' is the most awesome compound word in the english language.

i truly believe that 'bukkake' is japanese for porn with redeeming artistic value.

i love, love, love midget porn! esp. interracial midget porn.

asking girls 'what's up with the asshole?' on the first date is now both my morals and my ethics. braydon szyfranski style!

and i'm strongly considering saying yes to my boy JPot's demand that we start a porn site. an idea we've bandied about since high school. he's in with some of the BangBros. crew somehow, so all it takes is a word it seems. hmmmm. i do need a new creative outlet.

sure, i'm a bit of a sexual deviant. fine. you got me. happy?

but there are a few things i just can't get with. namely, necrophilia, pedophilia, scat shit (redundermifflin?), and bestiality. there are other "sex acts," that i find at least somewhat disagreeable, but these four are completely unfuckwitable in my book. as they should be for any rational being. and if someone as fucked up as me can avoid them, there's hope yet for the lot of ya.

that being said, seeing this VICE TV ep entitled "Asses of the Carribean" was truly some of the most mind-blowing shit i've seen while not on hallucinogens. i was totally expecting hardbodied femininas in booty shorts, workin it out, ya know?

nope nope nope. not gonna do it.

entire generations of Colombian men fucking donkeys (and enjoying it) because the female population of the staunchly Catholic drugbasket that is Colombia don't put out til their thrity? fuck naw son. i appreciate cultural differences and variant norms, but jesus.

literally. jesus, you fuck!

look what you and your cronies are doing to people. come down here, be a man, and straighten this shit out. it's the least you could do. and if not for the men of Cartagena, Colombia, do it for the poor donkeys. won't you please?

"a woman is better because a woman can suck your dick and a donkey can't": Part TWO

gentlemen. if you had to suffer six years of blue balls, what the fuck would you do? that is the question. you're getting closer to the horror now. ease toward the light. gently now.

and apparently, just for future reference, donkey pussy is mad tight son. that ill na na.

"a woman is better because a woman can suck your dick and a donkey can't": Part THREE

for those of you that place homosexuality higher on the threat level chart of sexual terrorism than bestiality (surely none of my readers?), then maybe you can take comfort in this woeful trend. sexual repression in the name of arbitrary beliefs can be a good thing, huh? plus, if the rural legend that fucking a donkey makes your dick bigger is true, i guess it'll be the men and boys of Cartagena who will be having the last laugh, eh?

and p.s. the end is not for the faint of heart. but twif your heart was all that faint, you wouldn't have made it this far. nor would you be reading my god damn blog. peace.

Coachella 2007

Time Machine and I have been seriously entertaining the notion of trekking to Coachella this year. After listening to/hearing about the Daft Punk set from last year's festivities, I see no other choice than to suck it up and make the trip. Looking through the lineup, there wasn't a whole lot that I saw that I didn't like. !!!, Digitalism, Air, Arctic Monkeys, the Roots, Jarvis Cocker, Brazilian Girls, Peaches, Ghostface, Interpol, Jesus and Mary Chain, MSTRKRFT, Kings of Leon, The Rapture (who i'm very much looking forward to seeing next friday), Paul Van Dyk, and Klaxons, just to name a few. But one name really caught my eye, I mean really stoked my fire: Rage Against the Machine. Jesus Christ. Headliners. Confirmed by KROQ. I guess now there really isn't a choice. It's gonna be 1995 all over again.