plastic bags are so fucken 2005.
earlier this week, gourmet food-seller Whole Foods, not willing to stand idly by while other corporations corrode the very fiber of humanity, dished out designer canvas bags like the one pictured above.
designed by Anya Hindmarch, the $15 bags quite literally caused hysteria as eager Yentas lined up by the bowlful to get their hands on the canvas sacks. the Union Square shoppe in NYC saw a line of 500, eager to score.
and what's worse is that a similar promotion caused a stampede in Taiwan in June. 30 people were hospitalized.
it is in light of all this foolishness that I am left with no choice but to issue an edict, which I will submit via e-mail to various heads of government throughout the (civilized?) world.
it reads as follows:
"Preferably, this institution will be situated in a locale where annoyances such as UN charters and human rights conventions do not apply. The length of a 'visitor's' stay will be determined at the sole discretion of the 'Patriach,' yet regardless of his decision, that stay may be no less than 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days.
"Serious offenders (i.e. Bush voters/NASCAR fans/Hummer H2 owners; those that camp out for weeks waiting for IPhones/PlayStation 3/Episode 1: Phantom Menace tickets; those that miss their only son's graduation to attend a Harry Potter midnight release; et al.) shall be, upon admission to the general 'Re-Education Facility,' immediately transported to the subterranean 'Dungeonarium.'
"After no less than 180 days of sensory deprivation, techno-sodomy, and Abu Ghraib-esque humiliation, 'Visitors' will be transferred, regardless of their degree of 'Re-Education,' rehabilitation, or 'progress,' to the off-site 'Reconstitution Area.'
"It is here that the withering bodies of these most heinous offenders will be pulverized and ground into either a nutrient paste (to be used as feed for livestock and as food for the destitute global majority) or a viscous gel to be used as a lubricant for our numerous machines.
"It shall be the duty of the global citizenry to report and/or physically detain any and all violators of this Edict, lest the natural progress of the species be stunted by the idiocy of the spendthrift yuppie hordes."