baggit, taggit, sell it to the butcher in the stooooore, baggit, taggit, sell it to the butcher in the stooooore!!!

John Wayne Bobbitt. god damn. 1993? fuck no. really?

seems like an eternity ago that my parents and teachers were trying to keep the gruesome facts of this case from the grasp of my young, unspoiled awareness.

their efforts were in vain.

in homeroom, we were already on the up and up, constantly speculating, giggling like idiots at this man's agony. Bobbitt was our favorite fucking word back in the those carefree elementree school days. rumors ran amok in our tiny little heads. did the dog eat it? did she eat it? did she really put his joint in a FedEx envelope and mail it? will they ever find the fucking thing?

back then, our young minds were under the impression that severing a penis would go down rather like slicing a raw hotdog. quick and painless. but to be certain, the corpus callosum's not goin' without a fight. i'm no fucking doctor, but i'm thinking that some sort of vigorous sawing motion would have to be employed. grisly stuff.

so imagine my recent shock (and elation) upon finding out that not only was Bobbitt's penis re-attached (respeck to Dr. David E. Berman), but that it was enlarged and that he's starring in porn flicks.

"In 'Frankenpenis,' Bobbitt played a character who was made with spare parts (like the monster in Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley's 'Frankenstein') and whose penis inexplicably comes off during a rousing session of intercourse. Bobbitt then moans, 'Oh no, not again.'"

FUCKING PERFECT! is this a great country or what?!?! crazy Ecuadorian wife chops off your dick, lies on your ass on that domestic abuse tip, and gets acquitted. but you end up getting your dick back and fucking pornstars (i.e. Vivid Girl Taylor Haze). fuck yeah.

so for all the kids out there feeling down on life, the lesson would be this:
if a dude who got his cock sawed off by his sketchball immigrant wife can manage a comeback, then there's hope for you yet. there's a little Cardiac Kid in all of us.

and as for Lorena, apparently she picked up an assault charge in '97 for punching her mother. came away with another not guilty on that one. now she's a hair stylist in VA.

another message.

ladies, battered or not: if you think you can chop off your man's dick without some sort of long-term cosmic punishment, you've got another thing fucking coming. the universe is watching you Lorena. stay sharp.