Home Alone. A definitive film in our time. All the shit that happened to those sorry bastards was so fucking funny back in the day, but looking back, there isn't anything hilarious about a man being shot in the balls by a kid with a BB gun, especially considering that he also steps on a nail, has an iron dropped on his face, and gets his scalp burned off by a blowtorch. MERRRRY CHRISTMAS you mutts!
Courtesy of the Wikipedia entry for Home Alone
Harry (Joe Pesci):
Gets shot in the crotch by Kevin with Buzz's BB air rifle in the back door.
Slips on the icy front door steps twice.
Burns his right hand on the red-hot front doorknob heated by an electric charcoal starter heating element, leaving an M-shaped brand on his palm (the knob was presumably monogrammed for the McCallisters), that is seen in the next movie.
Sets his head on fire by a blow-torch activated by a string tied to the back door, ripping his hat open and burning his scalp.
Runs into a piece of plastic wrap coated with glue/caulk, then gets blasted with feathers blown from a large fan; effectively being tarred and feathered.
Gets tripped by a string stretched across the upstairs hallway.
Gets hit in the stomach by Marv with a crowbar when the latter was trying to kill Axl, Buzz’s tarantula.
Marv (Daniel Stern):
Gets shot in the forehead by Kevin with Buzz's BB air rifle in the back door of Kevins house.
Slips on the icy stairs leading to basement door.
Gets hit in the face by an iron falling down the laundry chute while trying to turn on a light.
After losing his socks and shoes, he attempts to climb a staircase covered in tarmac, about halfway he stands in a nail. Which goes into his foot, shouting in pain; he falls backwards landing on his back.
Slips on the icy basement stairs again while leaving the basement.
Steps on glass Christmas ornaments while trying to sneak in through a window, hurting his feet.
Kevin places Axl (Buzz’s tarantula) on his head which, although not seriously hurting him, scares him silly.
Gets hit in the left arm three times by Harry with his crowbar after failing to kill Axl.
Slip on Micro Machines toy cars laid by Kevin in the main entrance.
Get hit in the face with 2 paint cans, sending them backwards into the main entrance floor (Harry loses his gold tooth in the process, which infuriates him).
While the two are trying to get to the tree house using a zip line connecting the tree house with the main house, Kevin cuts the rope causing them to swing into a brick wall and fall on the ground (Harry gets a black eye in the process).
Get knocked out by Marley with a snow shovel in the Murphy's house.
It's Like Getting Your Ninth Telemetron After You've Lain Out In The Sun Too Long and Your Shoulder's Fucked, But Everything Just Makes Sense. Ironic
kasai (10:54:24 PM): p.s. i was just "smoking with the band"
friend (10:54:32 PM): hahashaha
kasai (10:54:32 PM): i'm soooo stoned
friend (10:54:41 PM): hahahahahahhaa
kasai (10:57:47 PM): it's pathetic how high i just got
kasai (10:57:51 PM): i'm like ashamed
kasai (10:58:02 PM): i feel like i'm literally in 8th grade
friend (10:58:09 PM): hahaha
kasai (10:58:16 PM): i'm wearing this big allover print hoodie and a zoo york shirt
kasai (10:58:27 PM): and looking at my bank account and wondering where it all went
kasai (10:58:28 PM): haha
kasai (10:58:42 PM): just resisting the urge to go to cyn [the bar i spent 15 consecutive hours in a few sundays ago -.ed]
kasai (10:58:43 PM): haha
kasai (11:00:23 PM): and the lenny kravitz glasses are on.
kasai (11:00:24 PM): here we go
kasai (11:00:33 PM): ps i'm taking the plunge and getting a macbook wed [haha what? -.ed]
kasai (11:01:54 PM): the girl is like "i'm just gonna slouch over here cuz there's no way i can compete with THAT!"
kasai (11:01:55 PM): haha
kasai (11:02:42 PM): "like are you kidding, it's a maserati mc12 corsa. get the fuck outta heah!"
kasai (11:02:54 PM): "go fuck your mutha!"
friend (11:04:53 PM): 'haha
kasai (11:04:59 PM): ohhhh. i'm on a roll
kasai (11:05:10 PM): that's literally what she's saying in that photo
kasai (11:05:33 PM): she probably did like the blue steel catwalk thing, draping herself over the long, sensuous hood, for like 15 min
kasai (11:05:47 PM): and then realized that not ONE SINGLE GUY was looking at her
kasai (11:05:52 PM): or even close to her
friend (11:06:02 PM): hhahahah
friend (11:06:11 PM): i used to see that all the time [Ibid.]
kasai (11:06:30 PM): see what
kasai (11:06:35 PM): spot run?
friend (11:07:18 PM): seen girls do that
kasai (11:07:29 PM): oh yeah
kasai (11:07:31 PM): but
kasai (11:07:34 PM): this car
kasai (11:07:37 PM): like 2 mil
kasai (11:07:55 PM): and you can only drive it when maserati sponsors these racetrack days
kasai (11:08:35 PM): then after you're done driving, you have to sit down with engineers and discuss how the car performed, how it could be improved, and what you hated most about
kasai (11:08:38 PM): it
kasai (11:08:40) and there's only like 4 of em and they belong to the 4 richest kings of Europe! I'M SUPER SERIÅL YOU GUYS!
kasai (11:08:41 PM): haha i'm sorry
kasai (11:08:47 PM): all this just really fascinates a stoned kasai
kasai (11:11:34 PM): (spoken in that quick, nasally 1930s radio announcer voice) "a rare breed, the stoned kasai can often be spotted on epicly toxic 3 night benders in any one of the five fine boroughs of the majestic gem that is Glimmerin' Gotham. though he may ramble on incessantly and shoot you the deuce now and then, when he pinches your girl's ass and punches you out preemptively, don't take it personally chief."
kasai (11:12:01 PM): ps i'm archiving this convo
kasai (11:12:04 PM): cuz it's priceless, like a beer bong
“friend” signed off at 11:12:06 PM.
bye. byeeee. bye. byeye. buhbyebooptit! bai. bahhhh. late. the moops have come hoome to roost.
1: "sir, sir! SIR! needtaseasumeyedeepreese!"
2: "yeah don't worry about it, i'm a stoo-dye at the scrole, over on mashmen, they got a good whim over there, it's peeshable, nite right?. yeah yeah yeah yeah right up there on the hirl. now uh, go shit in a hat, mail it your mutha."
MEANWHILE, IN THE BOY BAND: ONE sulks away in gleeful shame as TWEW triumphantly scratches his balls.
Predator making of 1987, on spanish TV, with Arnold in a hawaiian
shirt, probably stoned, fresh off a steroid-addled sexual rampage. The exchange between the translator and the pol is prolly the funniest shit i've ever seen.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"I train every day, I train with weights, I do bicycling, and I do
running, play tennis, and a little sex... in that order."
Scene from RoboCop where ED-209 murks the shit out of some junior VP during a demonstration of the robot's capabilities.
Never has horrificly traumatic violence been this hilarious.
Frank Dukes (Jean Claude V.D.) in the final showdown in the cult classic, "Bloodsport"
Not to be too crass, but Jean-Claude's scream at around 5:05 is precisely what happens when I bust a nut, so uh, you know, ladies, uhhhh, get in line ova heah.
Steven Seagal before he got tied up in mob extortion, wife beating and the GOP.
apparently, this video was posted was tired of hearing people make fun of Steven Seagal. sorry dude, shit's just therapeutic at this point.
watts18269 on youtube
"They ARE falling deliberately because the pain of the technique is
more than the pain of them falling or rolling, so they roll to save
themselves in essence, you dickheads."
Will Sasso and some other dude doing a hell of a job playing Seagal and Van Damme. And as a bonus (as if the roundhouses and wanton neck-snapping wasn't enough), there's time travel and patriarchal revenge.
Eric Prydz - Call On Me
This video is what comes about when KASAI starts craving handfuls of E pills and be-spandexed Eurotrash named Olga, like some kind of buttfucking, amped out werewolf. Call On Me. yeah. that's right.
Edu K - Gatas Gatas Gatas
nothing clever here, yeah (Kasai is emerging from a three day bender and needs his rest dontchaknow). just good to see the '80s are making a swift and thorough return.
Yesterday, while walking in SoHo, i happened upon a man.
But he was no less a man than a force!
Mentally retarded, yes.
Homeless and without gainful employ, oh yes!
All the better, yeah.
And as a woman of no more than 55 traversed his plane of being, what would happen next would blow the minds of an entire metropolis, whether they realized it or not.
For no real reason (though i'm sure there were plenty of artificial justifications), our man, our Legend, bow-legs and all, waltzes up to said female and spits in her face.
As she hurries past in the wake of this terrible, unprovoked assault, Hewie (i've decided to name him Hewie), gives her "the finger," the ultimate insult, and calls her a "stupppittt BITCH!"
Walking past this scene, I lock eyes with the maniac, and after a nanosecond of uncertain tension, he is on his way.
Perhaps his eyes saw someone that wouldn't stand for such brutality. Or maybe he'd just blown his load on Maria and decided that it'd been enough action for one day. Back to sorting the jars of stolen urine in the 'ol shopping cart.
But surely a thing of this sort of beauty knows nothing of fear. Surely.
Reading about the formative years of HST by candlelight, I came to a near epiphany concerning one of my most precious (if oft-delayed) creations. The revelation, being, of course, that the 4/5ths completed manuscript i've toiled at on and off for the last three years shall be transmogrified into a screenplay.
I'm hardly pretending it's brilliant in the traditional sense (it is, after all, unfinished and mostly neglected), but at this point, the switch is just a fucking necessary thing. The movie in my mind becomes the movie in their theaters, yeah?
And the only reason i'm putting this up on the small screen is because months, nay, years from now, I want to be able to look back and figure out exactly when the entire project began to unravel and fester.
Thanks for listening sweetie.